My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
