We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
