people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
