he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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