either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
