I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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