Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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