You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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