You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
