woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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