he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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