We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
