i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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