I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
