he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
