I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
