I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
