So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
