Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
