I am puke
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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