hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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