I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
worst night to have a conscience
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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