When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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