i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
His nipple licking is glorious
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