he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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