I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
