I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
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it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
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Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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