There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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