I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize
