how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
