I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
