Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Randomize
