The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
