Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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