You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
how drunk are you?
Several
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
