Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
