New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
