Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
