I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
