apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This toilet bowl is my home.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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