My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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