i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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