if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
