I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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