Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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