My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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