If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
