I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
