our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
