pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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