I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
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