I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
