I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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