I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
