Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
